The True Honeymoon of Edward and Bella
by Nasty-Duck-Breath
Summary: What really happened on the honey moon, in the bits that were skipped in the book.


"Oh Edward" Bella ran her fingers down the side of Edward's flawless face.

Bella and Edward were laying in bed together, the night of their honey moon. The fact that a century old animated corpse had just eloped with an under twenty human, which was actually necrophilia, didn't seem to bother either of them. The fact that the under twenty human female also had been kissing someone who was half dog didn't seem to bother the pale undead man, even though this was bestiality.

"Oh Edward" Said Bella again, once again touching his face.  
Edwards face was in a look of surreal pleasure; which was strange as their bodies were apart.  
"Oh Owen" Edward moaned.  
"What the fuck!" hissed Bella.  
Owen Wilson scrambled out of the bed,

"Boring whorish slug you ruin everything!", he then burst into tears and ran out of the room.  
"Edward your making love to Owen Wilson while I'm asleep what is this?" Bella was near tears.  
Edward had no time to explain as Severus Snape fell from the ceiling chandelier mounted upon a novelty size plane.  
Samuel L Jackson burst into the room.  
"I am sick of these mother-fucking Snape's on these mother-fucking planes"

"Oh Bella I'm so sorry" said Edward.  
"Can you ever forgive me?" he continued.  
"Oh Edward… Owen Wilson won't break us up" smiled Bella.  
"Oh no not that, Well, I didn't take your virginity at all last night you see… I sold your kidney and reproductive organs on e-bay while you were asleep… I got you confused with Hoe-zay our cheerful Mexican room servicemen… incidentally it was his virginity I took"  
Edward motioned to a naked Mexican man on the floor with a sick smile on his face and blood leaking from his anus.  
"WHAT?!" Bella screamed. Just joking even when she's screaming Bella is too boring to be worthy of caps.  
"What?" slurred Bella in a monotone boring voice.  
"Its ok I bought you a car for your birthday"  
"How does a car make it better?"  
The car then burst through the window, the car wasn't a car at all it was in fact a traumatised child who Edward had glued animal fur too, and smeared it red with python blood, in addition to this Edward had screamed the words  
"MY NAME IS ELMO!" at the child until their ear drums burst and actually believed his name was elmo.  
"Oh look Elmo how cute" smiled Edward, "it's for you Bella!"  
At the sound of Edward's voice the child curled up into a ball, wrapping his arms around his legs which were folded into his body and started to chant in a shaky voice.  
"My name is Elmo, My name is Elmo"

Little did the small Elmo creature, or hoe-zay the cheerful room servicemen knew, that if the term "my name is Elmo" is repeated enough times in the presence of a cheerful Mexican man raped in the past twenty four hours a magical spell is induced.  
The small child then turned into a brand new sports car. Who was actually not a sports car at all, but an auto-bot!  
Optimus Prime then transformed in the middle of the room and pointed a big metal finger at Edward,  
"You shall pay!"  
Due to the apparition of Optimus Prime it was time for Linkin Park to release a new album, and so they drowsily just appeared in the room, as Linkin Park does, deadest if Linkin Park just comes into my lounge room again and start singing loud and shit I'm going to skitz.  
"La-la-la-la-la-la What I've done across this great divide…"  
The lyrics continued but due to their blandness everyone became oblivious to their existence and Linkin Park just faded into the background, as Linkin Park does. Deadest if I'm at the beach or something and I find Linkin Park just jamming randomly in the background I'm going to rape Sarah Pallin.  
No one was noticing Linkin Park anymore, and as no one was noticing Linkin Park the gigantic metal cartoon-show inspired robot that was standing in the middle of the room kind of absorbed their attention.  
Edward and Optimus Prime's eyes met, and they both responded at the same time.  
"I CHOOSE YOU PIKACHU!"  
"I CHOOSE YOU MAN-BEAR-PIG!"  
Pikachu, the small pokemon, and a gigantic half-man, half-bear, half-pig both manifested in the room from the poke'balls respectively thrown by Edward, the charming zombie who liked to marry girls literally one fifth his age before selling their organs and raping the hotel staff (remember they got like um had a honey moon at that beach motel hotel whatever place, well yeah that's where they are now) And Optimus Prime, the big metal robot who is a car in his spare time, or big truck whatever, (seriously when they transform they get all the cool parts of the vehicle but I never see like a cigarette lighter or the exhaust pipe or the little air freshener things just like sticking out of these fucking transformers. You cant have your cakes and eat the too you big metal fucks.  
Anyway pokemon battle.  
"Pikachu use thunder shock!" shouted Optimus.  
Pikechu ran over to a power plug and stuck a fork in it, incidentally shocking and killing its small rodent self.  
Man-bear-pig was farting violently and spraying aerosol cans at the sky with the intent of increasing global green house shit effect whatever.

For not the first time in her life Bella was masturbating due to lack of attention.

"OK OPTIMUS PRIME!" Challenged Edward.  
"LETS FINISH THIS" Retorted Optimus. Should I say "retorted Optimus, or retorted Optimus Prime". Is he like.. first name Optimus; last name Prime. Like there are a mister and missus Prime out there somewhere. And X amount of years ago, a guy fucked a car, and they called their offspring Optimus?  
Like imagine "Bring your perants to school day" and this weird dude is sitting there ejaculating the exhaust pipe of a car in the middle a class, to the horror of the classmates of his robot son. And as a result the robot son takes it upon himself to have incredible inter-galactic battles with other bad child hooded robots, and have these battles to Linkin Park music.

Somewhere in the distance a car molester was singing "What I've Done"

Yeah I once kidnapped a toddler for a weekend it was something similar to what I just said.

Edward ripped of his mask to reveal his true identity. But for want to not appear too much like my other story Edward has no secret identity and consequently ripped the skin off his skull.  
"FUCK FUCK OH SHIT OH MY FUCK!!!"  
Edward was in unspeakable pain, and completely faceless, he was frantically, chaotically waving his limbs in shock and despair as he was now short, one face.  
lol.  
Due to a lack of blood loss and vanity induced pain that had something to do with being faceless Edward died.  
Bella knew it was up to her to stop Optimus and save the day.  
She ripped off her mask to reveal her secret identity.  
"I am not Bella!" she proclaimed… "I AM BUT A WOMAN!" Eowyn shouted, and stabbed the lich king in his face.  
Oh shit that's lord of the rings.  
Anyways… Bella saving the day.

Optimus Primate and Bella were both destracted, Samuel L Jackson and Owen Wilson were having a, who has the biggest ears contest in the middle of the room. Ben Stiller then appeared outside a window, banging on it and begging to be let in.

Oh did I mention that Bella is a mutant crocodile-horse in this one because that's kind of important.  
Bella impatiently scuffed the ground with her hoof and snapped her jaws aggressively.  
The magic wore off and Optimus Prime turned back into a small frightened boy who had been dressed as a very primitive looking blood stained Elmo, crying on the floor.  
Bella then unsheathed her massive horse penis.

Attached a rake head to it, went outside and raked some leaves with her penis-rake.

The corpse of Edward then came back to life, with Samuel L Jackson, Owen Wilson, and Ben Stiller at his sides… umm… Jessica Alba was there too.

Bella screamed at the sight of them.

"Edward sniggered, you better be afraid… because.. COZ IT'S A THRILLER! THRILLER TONIGHT! AND NO ONES GONNA SAVE YOU FROM THE BEASTS ABOUT TO STRIKE, YOU KNOW IT'S A THRILLER, YOURE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE INSIDE A THRILLER, THRILLER!"

M.J. Will always be remembered for his musical exploits. He was one of a kind.

Author's note: (ahahhahahahahhahaha this shit makes me a fucking author?)

hmmm I didn't think this one was as good as my others, but I didn't want the people who had been reading to think I had been mauled and raped by a pack of wild wilder beasts. Needless to say that the beast skinned me and used my skin for horrific sexual ceremonies and blood orgies; no this has not happened to me, or stopped me from writing. I think ill continue with the adventures of Frogward, which makes sense if you read the other story. It should be fun. I will publish the document sometime before the moon sprouts arms and legs and challenges the earth to a dance off. Which the earth would fail miserably at as it can only really do head-spins. And off course the moon can moon walk. Which makes for a repetitive and boring dance off, and if the world is spinning really, really fast we will probably all get sick and stuff. So adventures of Frogward look out for it...yeah.


End file.
